Expert Spotlight: Tasha Harris
The C Word
The C word. It’s one of those words that people throw around without truly thinking about what it means. Some people are afraid to say it. Some sit up straighter when they hear it. Others cringe at the mention of it. And some people ignore it completely.
No, I’m not talking about a bad word or name calling. The C word I’m talking about is confidence. But what does confidence actually mean? We all know what confidence is and yet it could mean a million different things depending on who you ask. Is confidence something we have? Is it something we are? Is it something we feel? Is it something we do? Can we lose it once we’ve found it?
To answer these questions, I decided to go back to the basics. What is confidence actually, and more importantly, what does it mean to me? If you were to look up confidence in the dictionary you would see it defined as “the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.” The word confidence itself comes from the Latin word to ‘fidere’ which means “to trust.” I don’t know about you, but I almost felt more confused and kind of mad after reading that. Trust? Is that really all we need to be confident? Just trust in ourselves? It sounds easy enough and yet... it isn’t easy at all. And what does trusting in ourselves even consist of?
Let’s take this even further back, to baby us. You know, before we had trust issues and more baggage than an airport carousel. When we didn’t know the difference between doubt and confidence. When those were just words that had no meaning attached to them or power over us. Back to when we simply believed in ourselves because we didn’t know of another option. Back to when we acted off instinct and what brought us joy and happiness rather than what we thought we should do or who we thought we should be. I’ll go first.
When I was younger, I was confident in my ability to have, do or be anything I wanted. I didn’t think about it or question if I was good enough. I just did it. I mean, I was a power ranger, a veterinarian, a cook, a nanny, and a race car driver all before the age of 10. No qualifications necessary. I never asked myself what if I fail, or what if I’m not good enough, or what will people think. I never thought about being judged or losing... even if my dog was the only thing I was saving from alien evil, or my food was plastic, or my baby was doll, or my car was refrigerator box.
But, as I got older, I started questioning my ability to do... pretty much anything. Even if I had everything I needed to succeed, I was never fully sure if I could do the things or be the person I wanted? I wasn’t sure if I could actually create the life I wanted to live? Even with education, experience, opportunity, and skill. I don’t know how or when freedom, belief, and confidence was replaced by doubt and fear, but for some reason it became easier to believe the voice in my head that told me I couldn’t do it.
I had to ask myself another hard question. Why? Why was it suddenly so difficult to believe in myself? The truth is, confidence isn’t something tangible and as it turns out, not so easily defined. It isn’t something we have or don’t have. It is fluid like water. It can come and go like tides to the shore, or it can be steady and constant like the flow of a river. It can come in large bursts like a dam being released, or in a slow trickle like drops from a broken faucet. Confidence, like water, will fill whatever space we allow it to. It will fill whatever space we make for it. So how do we make create more space for confidence to flow through us?
DON’T BE AFRAID TO FAKE THE FUNK
We’ve all heard the saying “fake it til you make it.” Well, sometimes you just have to fake the funk. No one is confident 100% of the time no matter what it looks like from the outside. As we know, confidence can be many things and sometimes we just need it to be a state of mind before we feel it. What we think we feel and what we feel we become. Acting as if you already have something tells the universe you are ready to invite more of it into your life. Acting as if helps you raise your vibration to match the frequency of a confident you. Consistency builds confidence. If you tell yourself enough, eventually you will believe it. And isn’t that the point of being confident anyway? To believe in yourself?
DO MORE OF WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD
Confidence is partially about feeling good. The better you feel the more confident you are. Do things that make you feel good in your own skin. Dance around your house, sing at the top of your lungs (in my case very badly), be your own hype person. Learn to love yourself and what you have to offer. Consume content that empowers, motivates, and inspire you. Not content that makes you wonder if your doing enough or doubt if you have “what it takes,” or causes you to compare yourself to other people. Which brings me to my next point.
CARE LESS ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK
I know, this is a big ask. If I could go back and tell baby me anything, it would be this. We invest too much time and energy into what people think of us when at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. We care about what other people think because of fear. Fear we will be judged (by other people). Fear we won’t be good enough (in the eyes of other people). Fear we will fail (in front of other people). Fear we won’t be liked (by other people). I could go on but you get the point. Not only is it a lot of pressure to be putting on ourselves, it’s silly to base how we feel about ourselves on someone else’s opinion. I’m not saying you will never care about what others think. For some idiotic reason it is a natural part of how our brains work, but what I am saying is to not let what others think determine how you feel about yourself.
Being confident is one of the few things we control and its time we started acting like it. You don’t need to wait for results, or success or permission from someone else to be confident. You get to decide. Remember, if you ever falter or lose your way, all you need to do is ‘to trust.’
-Tasha Harris, @tasha_n_m_h